PTSD
by braindead45
Summary: Sometimes traumatic events can cause a person to look life in a different perspective. The survivors of the Heavenly Host Elementary School are finding out that coping with loss isn't always easy and Yoshiki Kishinuma isn't exactly coping as well as his friends like to think he is. It's easy to get lost in a memory.
1. Insubstantial

It rained all night. He had gotten home at about 2 o'clock in the morning, dazed, confused, and with a small portion of the right side of his head still covered with small patches of dried blood. From the moment he walked in the door to the moment he collapsed in bed, hair now soft and clean from a warm bath, he kept thinking about how surreal it felt. Three of his closest friends and one of his best teachers had just died. He was never going to hear Suzumoto laugh again and he was never going to see Morishige fulfil his dream nor would he see the day when Shinohara would finally grow a pair and confess here feelings to Nakashima. Not to mention, he was going to miss having Ms. Yui to dot on him like she would. Who would even take care of her cat?

All night his mind raced, wondering what kind of questions they would get. That kept him up for a while until sleep finally took him. Then the nightmares started.

He dreamt of blood, so much blood. The blood that permanently strained the wooden hallways a mucky red-brown. He dreamt of the bodies of the poor, unfortunate souls who had the misfortune of hearing about the Sachiko charm. He hoped that the school didn't swallow the remaining sane souls whole. He dreamt of Shinozaki falling into that pool and not being able to get her in time, God knows he can't swim and if it hadn't been for that burst in adrenaline they both would have drowned. He dreamed of Yuki, the girl with one eye who desperately wanted to keep what was left of her sanity. In the end he woke up about five times that night, each time he would be sweating like crazy, panting as his lungs tried to desperately give his erratic heart more and more oxygen. On a later date, when he was a bit more clear headed, he estimated that he got about an two hours and fifteen minutes of sleep. That was the best night of sleep he would have gotten in the months to come.

The next day passed by like a blur. Walking through the halls of Kisaragi High felt just as surreal as the night before. It was honestly frightening for him to see how similar both school were, structure wise, and how some of the corridors of his school seemed to stretch it just as far as the ones in Heavenly Host. There were no mentions of Suzumoto or Morishige or Shinohara or of Ms. Yui, as a matter of fact, they just didn't exist anymore. Any record of them just vanished, vanished as if they were never really there in the first place. This made him frustrated to no end. Did that really just die for nothing, he asked himself throughout the day. He didn't want that for them, no one that mattered anymore did, but there were no convincing the rest of the student body of the teachers that they had existed.

The one that had taken this the worst was Nakashima. Shinohara had been her best friend, no, she had been her soul mate. They did everything together, they barely ever fought; they were the type of people that wanted their children to get married so that they would become family. Being without her was physically painful, at one point it look like she was going to start having a panic attack. Shinozaki didn't look like she wan doing any better, nasty purple rings circled her eye and he thinks that she might have gotten less sleep than he did. Satoshi looked equally exhausted and it looked like he didn't seem to know what to do with himself. He wondered if he looked just as terrible as they did and a quick trip to the restroom confirmed that he looked even worse. His head had bruised badly, deep purple marks spread across the side were he had been hit. Red specks sat underneath these marks in areas were the impact of the bar of that sledgehammer was strong enough to make him bleed, but not strong enough to break through the skin. The skin had also been raised slightly, the inflammation had gone down significantly the night before. It didn't help that he hadn't slept well that night.

To be perfectly honest, he looked like a God damn druggie and the fact that he was disoriented didn't help his case at all. Both teachers and students had asked him about his behavior with suspicion looks in their eyes and all he would do was grunt and point at his head. It was common knowledge that he supported himself and, even though he was covered quite nicely because of the health insurance laws, he still had other bills to pay. At the end of that day he had been stopped four times. He had stopped talking to the other students and by the day he wasn' to anyone. Not to Satoshi, not to Nakashima, he couldn't even look at Shinozaki. He felt so ashamed, swearing to protect a girl that he couldn't even face. He couldn't look at Nakashima either because she was just a nasty reminder of how he must have seem to the world, so shut out and stark. SatoshI tried to make him come out of his shell all day, but he couldn't make out words, he couldn't make out any sort of coherent thought that didn't have to do with that night. He juat really wanted to talk to Suzumoto. She had always been nice enough to listen to whatever bullshit he had to spew. He just wished he had more time, time that could have been used to tell them all how much they meant to him. This wasn't fucking fair, he just wanted to have it be like the old times, even if it meant that Shinozaki still avoided him like a plague and that Suzumoto wasn't going to be going to the same school as the rest of them.

Work went better than school did, that was evident. Even though he left work early, he felt like he had worked an eight hour shift. After he dragged himself home from work he took a nice painkiller and doused off. He awoke about an hour later, covered in cold sweat.

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**Just a warning for the rest of the story: there will be little to no romance-based chapters. As much as I like writing romance, and I do, I feel like it would not be appropriate for this story to contain a lot of romance. **

**Review, please?**


	2. Monotonous

**I am _so _sorry for the leave of absence I took after I first posted this story. My laptop died and I had to get a new one, so, I have decided, that I will post another chapter along with this one. Consider it as my apology and thanks to the readers that commented on this story. **

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It's been a week and he starts to find solace in everyone else's problems. It's so easy to forget about his own when he's helping someone else, but at the end of the day he can't look at himself in the mirror. His own reflection disgusts him to the point where he begins to wish that he didn't survive. The push and pull of life begins to drag him down and he feels like he's drowning. He knows that he should try harder when it comes to tackling his own problems, but he can't face them and he certainly won't ask for help. Everyone else has so much that they have to take, he can't do that to them, he can't have them mixed up in his own issues, so hew doesn't involve them. His issues are his own and he'll be damned if he drags everyone in them.

His cellphone vibrates in his pocket, letting him know that he has a text message. It's from Shinozaki. 「あたしの うちに きます。いたいです。」 Fuck, this is not good. Shinozaki has been having migraine since they've been back and, despite how strong the painkillers she takes are, the only surefire way to get rid of the pain it's for her to fall asleep and the only way for her to fall asleep is to have someone with her when she does. It gives him a weird sort of pride to know that she is comfortable enough with him that he is the person that she goes to for this, but this is also expected, everyone comes to him for everything and the only one that doesn't is Yuka and that's because she's just disconnected herself from the world.

He gets to her place quickly, going through the routine that they've set up for themselves. He'll go to her place, she'll cry in his arms and then she'll fall asleep and he'll stay for a good fifteen minutes so, if she wakes early, she won't panic. Sometimes they'll mix it up a bit and they'll talk before she goes to sleep. She'll say that she misses them, or she'll tell him how she wished it could have been her and he'll respond with a nice "You can't change the past" because that's what he's been telling himself. Then she'll cry and he'll feel like a dumbass because fuck, he should have told her something inspiring, but he went with a stupid, overused line. She'll fall asleep after a bit and he'll be too ashamed to stay, so he leaves and when he gets home he'll cry himself to sleep. He'll cry because he's a pathetic piece of shit that can't even help a friend.

When he gets to her place she's calmed down for the most part, but she's still crying. "I'm sorry to have to keep bothering you." She sounds quite bashful. "You shouldn't have to take care of me." This is surprising, Shinozaki isn't one for apologies. He is taken a bit off guard, but doesn't miss a beat with his reply. "Nonsense, what kind of friend would I be if I didn't help you?" She seems to like this reply as she gives him both a smile and a hug. Moments like this make him feel successful and he smiles with her.

After a moment things get back on track and she starts to cry. His smile falls and he just holds her. He thinks that there might have been a time where he thought that this was romantic, but this isn't, there is nothing romantic about hold your friend as she cries bitterly. He can feel all her pain, he can practically taste the saltiness of her tears, and it hurts him to see her in so much pain. It makes his head feel full, like it's going to burst and it gives him an empty feeling in his chest, like his heart has been scooped out. This was his least favorite moment in this process, at this point, he couldn't do anything. Saying anything was definitely out of the question, he had tried that once and she had kicked him out, not talking to him until she called for him the next day.

"I don't think I'm going to fall asleep anytime soon," she suddenly announces and she pulls him away, "I think you should leave. My parents will be home soon." Her words reek of deceit. "You're lying." He still gets up to leave. "But it is time for me to get going. I'll see you tomorrow at school."

This, apparently, wasn't the best choice of words and she snaps at him. "What do you know about my life?" Her eyes narrow and she spits out her words bitterly. "I know what you tell me," he says as he opens the door, "So that means I don't know a God damn thing." He steps out, but she's quick to pull him back in. "I change my mind." Her words are rushed and when he turns to face her she's started to cry again. He thinks that she might have thought that he was joking when he said he was leaving. He wants to pull away, but he knows that she needs him and as badly as he wants to help her, he's only helping himself. He's selfish like that.


	3. Dissipated

**Chapter 3, dedicated to the readers that read even though I hadn't been posting. Thanks a bunch**

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When Yoshiki was young, he learned how unpredictable life was and to this day, he knew that life was a mess of unexpected events and few constants. He learned that when he was four and he lost both of his grandparents in a car accident. This was reinforced later in life when his father was promoted and his parents suddenly didn't have anymore time for him and it was further solidified when he saw how money changed them, making them snobbish and making him further realize how much he dislike him. The situation with his parents was perhaps the most prolonged headache of his life and it wasn't until that hot day towards the end of his freshman year when he decided that he had enough. His parents never called, never stopped by to see if he was okay. It wasn't like they had any special excuse, they knew where he lived, knew the days he worked, knew his number. They just didn't care. No one in his family cared enough to see if he was eating or not. No one except Miki, his younger sister.

They were never particularly close growing up. He cared for her and she gave his some level of affection, but that was about it. There were no pretend adventures, no tears were shed if the other was injured, nothing special about their relationship. They were only tied through parentage and some level of tolerance for one another and he thinks that it might have stayed that way if it hadn't been for their parents. They both believed that their parents were wrong in their thinking and that they should have a little more humility and then all the fighting started and he decided that he was the one that was going to take the brute force of his parents' anger. Then the fighting got worse and cry on his behalf, begging for her father to calm himself, begging her mother to order the servants to let his in because the it was snowing and he didn't have a place to stay that night. It was the last straw for his parents that winter when he dyed his hair in one of his last acts of rebellion and his parents told him that he was no longer allowed to refer to them as "mother" and "father" respectively, not that they were ever ones for him; they hadn't been in years. Miki had urged him to dye it back to his original color, but he wouldn't hear it. "It's my choice," he told her once, "Fuck them if they can't deal with it." She cried the most the night he left, and he knew then that she meant the world to him, that the thin girl with the long black hair and with eyes so wide and grey that they made his head spin, had some how crawled her way into his heart and he knew then that he would make sure that she stayed safe.

"Big bro, hey, earth to big bro!" A light slap to his forehead woke him out of his daze and he soon realized his surroundings. He's with his sister at his place and she was making his something to eat when he blanked out. "Sorry about that," he spoke slowly, still quite dazed, "I'm just tired. Work has been quite demanding." He lies awake a night, not knowing how to live with himself. "You shouldn't strain yourself, but you never listen to me when I lecture you. As I was saying before, how's Shinozaki?"

"Uptight, as always." Recently, their time together in the afternoons ends with her forcefully asking his to leave her alone during school hours.

"And Mochida?"

"Still a goofball." The only times he speaks now a days is when he apologizes.

"What about his sister? I haven't talked to her in forever!"

"Dunno, I haven't gone over to Satoshi's place in a while." Reverted back into herself. She is now basically an empty shell of a person who won't speak. At all.

"How about Nakashima?"

"She's sick right now, so she hasn't been going to school." Not entirely a lie, but she hasn't been going to school because her mother (and psychiatrist) believe that she has come down with a nasty case of schizophrenia.

"You need more friends, big bro." It's supposed to be a joke, but it's hurts. He wants to tell at her, to tell her that he did, but a stupid chant ripped them away from him, but he can't so he confirms to the curse by laughing, as weak as it was.

"... is everything alright?"

No, no it isn't. "Yeah," stop lying to her, "everything is great." All lies.

"If you say so." Please, help.

As much as she tries to, Yoshiki knows that she can't help him forever. Miki can't always be constant.


End file.
